Do I Know Me?
by Eienias20
Summary: Kruse comes to a unfortunate realization regarding his possible origins.


_10/01/16_

 _Hello everyone, Eienias20 is back in the building! There is so much to be said I have no idea where to say it. But I'll start with what this is._

 _My birthday was in August and finally, I got my hands on Xenoblade Chronicles X, big thanks to my mom for that, so happy. 99.87% survey rate and 240 hours later this game is as much a joy to me as the original Xenoblade. I absolutely adore it._

 _After joining an X Discord group (which is full of great people) I was inspired to put my musings and thoughts into fic form and here is the first one. Based on a thought that was in my brain for quite a big chunk of the middle of the game. You can find these stories on tumblr with screenshots I took in game just cause. Hope you enjoy!_

 _Oh also I fell in love with Elma. Like big time. Like...woah. **I! Love! Elma!**_

 _Anyway, if you're interested in what my Cross is like (his name is Kruse) I have a bio of his on my tumblr, linked on my fanfiction profile page. I have so much to say about X but that'll have to wait for another day. On with the fic! Glad to be back!_

* * *

It was just like any other day. Intel came to BLADE HQ that there was a gathering of Prone in Oblivia setting up a new base. Many problems in that region stemmed from the various Ganglion bases dotting the desert landscapes so the thought of another was not a calming one.

Information in hand, Elma brought her team together to attack the build site and stop the establishment of the Ganglion base.

"The scouts have assured us that all that they were able to see was Tree Clan slaves with some Cavern Clan and Puges providing oversight."

Elma turned from the board to her team as Kruse tilted his head "No air support? Zig? Fal-swo?"

"As far as the scouts could see, none. The site is among the mountains so I don't think they were too worried about prying eyes. It's not like the scout team was out there looking for Ganglion bases anyway."

"Good thing we found it though!" Lin stated, earning a nod from Kruse who then turned to L "You sure you want to come along?"

"Well, it has been a while since I took to the field. I shall be as a squad of horses coming to the rescue."

Kruse chuckled "Well, we could use all the help we could get. Anyone else coming along, Elma?"

"Yes, a Skell team will be on standby should any heavier Ganglion forces come in, Pugiliths, Qmoevas or any absent air support. We'll be well covered, they're a good team."

Elma looked back to the board "We'll be hitting them from two sides to keep them confused and spread out. Kruse you'll be on this mountain covering me."

Kruse nodded "Done."

"Lin and L you'll be across from us at the other end of the site. I trust the two of you to make a lot of noise."

Lin smiled "No problem, they'll probably think multiple squads are approaching with all the havoc L and I can raise."

"Leave it to us!" L proclaimed proudly.

"And finally, if the skies remain clear and no reinforcements are in sight the Skell team will come in, help us take care of whatever threats are left, then assist in bringing the Tree Clan Prone back to New LA. We have our assignment, so let's begin."

Kruse, Lin and L saluted before heading for the exit.

"Wait! What about Tatsu!?"

Lin turned to him "It's going to be a pretty intense firefight, are you volunteering?"

"Tatsu been in worse before!" The Nopon yelled.

"Right, right. Hey, how about you go in first and draw all their fire? While they're chasing you around Oblivia, we'll take the slaves and go home."

Tatsu jumped back at Lin's statement "Not funny!"

"Just wait here for us." Lin said as she followed the other three out of the barracks.

"You sure you don't want me at your side, Elma?"

Turning she looked at Kruse "I think having an eye in the sky so to speak will serve me better. You have been practicing with that sniper rifle quite a bit lately, right?"

Kruse nodded "I just feel I could be of more help on the front lines."

"You definitely could be but there are always unknown factors. I'd rather have the wider field of awareness in this situation…or do you think I can't handle this alone?"

Kruse jumped at that and shook his head "Absolutely not! I've seen you're combat skills up close, I…sorry Elma, I don't want you to think that-"

Elma chuckled and put a hand on his shoulder "I know that you just want to help as best you can, but trust me. This way if anyone unexpected shows up, you'll see them first and you can warn me or take them out yourself. Okay?"

"Okay…yeah. Right. Sorry again."

Elma came to a stop and faced him, "Kruse. Are you alright?"

"Huh? Yeah…yeah…why?"

She tilted her head "You just seem…very on edge. Have you been getting enough sleep lately?"

Kruse gulped and turned away "Y-yeah, I have. Of course! I know sleep is important."

Elma crossed her arms, before she could speak Lin called out that the Skell team had arrived.

"We'll continue this later. Stay sharp."

Kruse nodded "Yes ma'am."

After she walked away, Kruse let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. Lin came up next to him "I don't think I've seen anyone worry about her as much as you do."

"Hm? Well…I…"

"You really need to learn to say what you mean."

Kruse raised an eyebrow "What?"

The pair turned as Elma whistled, Lin headed out first with Kruse shaking his head "Get focused. Stay focused. Right."

* * *

" _Kruse? You in position?"_

Kruse emerged from behind a rock face, "No signs of any Ganglion on this mountain. I'm good, setting up."

" _Good. Lin? L?"_

As the two gave their affirmations, Kruse looked through his rifle scope at the build site before them. Sure enough there were Tree Clan prone working with a few Cavern Prone, Puges and Marnucks observing.

"I see Marnucks. Didn't get them in the scout report however as fast as I can tell there are only three. Pretty sure our plan will still work."

" _Hey, give me more credit than that."_ Elma stated.

"Right, sorry. It will work."

Kruse watched the enemies carefully before noting Elma moving forward. Lin and L will open fire first and once all the enemies are looking in their direction, Kruse and Elma will jump in, confusing them. From then on it should-

"Wait. What are they-"

Before Kruse could finish his thought, the Marnucks opened fire on the Tree Clan. Following that gunfire started from the mountains across from Kruse's position. Still thrown off from the senseless murder he began to take aim when Lin came on over his headset.

" _Elma! Kruse! We're compromised!"_

Kruse shook his head "What?"

" _What's going on?"_ Elma demanded.

" _There is a Puge force here, at least a dozen or so and a few Pugiliths! We-"_

The rest of the call was obscured by gunfire. Kruse's eyes quickly moved from the mountain down to-

"Elma! Behind you!"

Elma turned around just in time to cut through a Marnuck, Kruse noted another charging her position and opened fire, felling it in one shot. As Elma cut through another a Pugilith ran right at her and kicked her across the field. Elma slammed into the partially built base and fell to the ground.

"No! Elma!"

Kruse stood up and prepared to jump down the mountain when something grabbed him from behind and threw him aside. He quickly turned to see more Marnucks converging on him _"How did-"_

" _It appears this is a trap! For us!"_ L yelled over the radio as the gunfire continued.

Cursing Kruse used his rifle to knock away the ends of the Marnucks' weapons and sprung to his feet. Igniting his Photon Saber he spun around and cut one of his assailants down as the other two jumped back before opening fire. Kruse dove aside and hid behind a rock "Skell Unit! We're in trouble, move in now!"

" _Copy that! We-"_

" _Look out! Qmoevas! Open fire!"_

"Shit! Them too?"

Kruse ran from his cover and leapt off the mountain, he felt several shots from the Marnucks hit his back right before he hit the ground and rolled to his feet. He spotted Elma who was standing and fighting off several Puges as the Pugilith drew near. Another came running in with a squad of Prone.

Quickly, Kruse dashed over to her and tore through one of the Puges "Elma!"

"Kruse, they found you too?"

"Yes, they knew everything!" He yelled as he fought off the first Pugilith while Elma turned and finished another Marnuck.

Elma quickly got on her headset and began calling for emergency aid as Kruse also spoke into his "Lin! L! Are you two still alright?"

No one responded, Kruse and Elma finished off the first Pugilith and another emerged. The pair dove aside as it opened fire with Elma yelling into her headset "Lin! L! Skell team, if you can hear me I'm ordering an immediate retreat! Find any way you can to get out of here or avoid detection! Reinforcements will be coming for us but we have to get clear!"

Kruse looked up in the sky just in time to see several Fal-swos. Elma also noticed them as they fired their missiles. The pair turned to run as the missiles exploding behind them, throwing them across the ground.

" _Captain! There are too many Qmoevas back here! We're doing our best to hold them off but if we start to retreat they'll swarm all of you!"_

Elma got up slowly and looked to where the Skell Unit was just as one was torn apart and fell into a heap. "You need to retreat too! We-"

" _No! Captain you have to get out of here! You must survive! Quickly before this situation becomes unsalvageable!"_

Kruse helped Elma up, she looked at him and before he said anything she nodded.

"I know. I know…"

Turning the two ran past the approaching Pugiliths, cutting through the legs of one causing it to fall over while evading the attacks of the others. Seeing Prone forming up ahead, Kruse pulled out his sniper and began taking them down. Elma noticed the Fal-swo looping around for a second attack "Kruse! Cover!"

The two jumped into cover as the aerial assault tore up the ground around them. Kruse peeked from cover and continued firing with his Sniper. Turning he nodded to Elma who shot out into the field and cut through several Prone. The pair continued to move through the canyon, taking out the enemies as best as they could. Hearing a powerful engine, Kruse turned to see a Qmoeva flying right at them.

"Elma!" Quickly he dashed at her, throwing them both to the ground as the Ganglion mech nearly missed them. Turning it aimed their weapons at them as they drew their blades. Before it could fire the other two BLADE Skells slammed into it with one pilot yelling "Go! Now!"

Quickly, the pair ran past the mechs as the Qmoeva ripped apart one of the Skells. Following that several more Ganglion mechs landed around the remaining Skell.

"In here!" Kruse ran into a small alcove, followed by Elma. As the two caught their breath they could hear the sound of Fal-swos overhead, still searching for them.

Elma brought a hand to her headset "Lin? L?"

Again, no response came causing her to shake her head. "How did this happen…is this…my fault?"

Elma's eyes found Kruse, before he could speak she continue "I made this plan and…they've countered it. Completely. It all fell apart…"

"Elma. You can't blame yourself for this, its-"

" _L here! We believe we've avoided them. We are now how you say, lie lowing."_

Kruse nodded "Good. Keep Lin safe L, please."

" _Of course!"_

Kruse looked to Elma who had her eyes closed. He wanted to say something, but with what he just realized…

* * *

"…and all the Skells were destroyed. Pilots are all presumed dead. The mission was a failure."

Vandham shook his head "Damn…they had our whole playbook. We're just lucky you all slipped out of there."

"They would've found us if the reinforcements hadn't arrived." Elma stated.

"Maybe so…but you're all alive. Focus on the positives. I'm going to meet with the scouts. See if we can figure out how this happened."

After Vandham left, the barracks fell quiet. Kruse looked to Lin and L. The former looked up at him. She gestured with her eyes, Kruse followed them to Elma who was just standing, looking at nothing.

Kruse approached her "Elma."

"I have to go." She turned and walked past him, almost stumbling over herself. Kruse followed "Elma, wait."

"I can't. I have more to do today and-"

"Elma."

She came to a stop and looked back at him as he spoke "You took a hard hit. You need to rest."

"I'm fine…"

Kruse crossed his arms and gestured to her right arm. She was holding the railing, as tight as she could to keep herself standing.

She sighed "You're too observant for your own good."

He chuckled "Elma. You really should take a nap or something. Just slow down. Please."

"I'd like to. But I have other jobs scheduled for today. This was just the first…and regardless of whether we failed or succeeded the others need to get done. You know this, Kruse."

"I also know that you'd work yourself to death before ever taking it easy. But I can't let you do that. We need you, Elma."

She let out a heavy sigh as he continued "I'll take your jobs for you."

"You're in no better shape than I am."

"Maybe. Maybe not. But please, I have to make up for this."

"Make up for what?"

Kruse shook his head "Nothing. Rest. I'll take care of everything, I promise."

Elma took a deep breath before looking at Kruse and smiling "Thank you. Kruse. Truly."

Kruse smiled back "Don't mention it."

After a short silence, Elma gestured "If I let go of this railing now…I will fall over…could you-"

"Right." Kruse helped support her and walked her to her room.

* * *

That night, Kruse sat on the outer wall of New LA, looking out over Primordia. He often wondered what the odds were of landing on a planet like this, like Mira. With an aurora hanging over Primordia and the 5 moons in the sky, it was an unimaginable alien beauty.

"How did we get so lucky?"

Looking down he thought about today, his worst fears were nearly realized. All because he convinced himself that there was nothing wrong with him. He kept seeing Elma getting slammed into the wall. He kept thinking about what if the Marnucks had held him back, what if the last thing he saw today wasn't Elma's weary, tired face smiling at him as she closed the door to her room, what if it was Elma desperately fighting a growing horde of Ganglion. To the end.

This whole situation could've been avoided. He knew it could've been.

"I want to protect what's dear to me…and yet I almost destroyed it all."

Standing he sighed as he pulled something out of his pocket. "Never again."

He looked out over Primordia again and smiled. "This is for the best."

He closed his eyes, mulling over his decision one more time before-

"Kruse?"

Hand returning to his pocket, he turned quickly "E-Elma!"

She approached him as he spoke "H-how long have you been standing there."

"Not too long…why?"

He shook his head "No reason." He then looked at her and smiled "You look much better. That nap did wonders."

"It did. Thank you. What about you though?"

"What about me?"

"Kruse. It's incredibly obvious that you haven't been sleeping. You've been up here almost every night haven't you?"

"…yes…"

Elma crossed her arms "Kruse. What's wrong?"

He shook his head "Nothing."

"Kruse!"

Looking away, Kruse walked back to the edge.

"Kruse…why do you keep lying to me?"

He remained silent as she approached "I made the mistake of thinking that you needed time. Thinking that you needed to be alone to get through this. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize Elma."

"I tried to put you in a comfortable enough mood to tell me. I didn't want to force it out of you. I didn't want to push you. But I've been watching you destroy yourself for too long."

Before he could speak, Elma turned him to face her and took his gun right from his pocket. She looked at it then back to him "…why Kruse?"

"Because it was me." He whispered.

"It was always me."

Elma remained silent as Kruse steadied his breath and fought to keep his tears from falling. "I woke with no memories. You told me when we met…that I was an oddity. Everyone else, their memories came back to them. But me? I still remember nothing before that first time that I saw you. My life started in Starfall Basin."

Kruse let out a heavy sigh and shook his head "At least I thought it did. Remember in Oblivia, when I lost my arm."

Elma nodded as he continued "I forgot about our conscious decision to put ourselves in these mims. I didn't know or notice anything odd about myself. Nothing. Then you told me about it. About Mimeosomes, about why we did this, about the Lifehold and about what was truly at risk. The numbers on BLADE Tower, and the impending doom that awaited us all. How well kept was that secret?"

"Only team leaders knew, and those in power. To avoid a panic." Elma stated "…where are you going with this?"

"Our next run in with the Ganglion in Oblivia, Goetia. She knew. They knew. Somehow they knew about our false bodies, our real bodies. The contents of the Lifehold, everything. Admittedly, I didn't think much of it until the Ganglion came to New LA."

"Kruse-"

"I was there. With you, Lin…we got that black Skell back from Noctilum, we put it in the restricted hangar. I was there. I saw it. And they knew exactly where to go."

Elma shook her head "You can't think-"

"I did. Since then I was convinced that it was me. That somehow, I was giving all this information to the Ganglion. I mean, what do I really know about myself Elma? What do you know about me? Nothing. I don't remember anything. What if it's not because of some stasis hangover? What if I was, for a lack of a better word "born" here, on Mira. The Ganglion have their own scientists. Maybe they reverse engineered a mimeosome that they found or studied someone they had killed. Then they planted me in Starfall Basin and all they had to do was wait. I'd be accepted into BLADE and no one, not even I would know what I was truly here for."

"You can't believe this Kruse."

"I do. I was convinced but I kept thinking if that was the case, why haven't I done anything more? The Lifehold, the Black Skell…I could do so much more damage being here. They could have me kill Vandham or Chousson, bring down our leadership or…"

Kruse looked away, Elma realizing what he wanted to say "Or they could have you kill me."

"I held onto the hope that maybe I was seeing patterns where there were none. But then today happened. The only people who knew of the attack on the Ganglion base was us. You, me, Lin, L. And just like the other instances, I was the common factor. All those fears of being the cause of anyone's death were almost realized today…and next time…"

Elma looked at the gun in her hand then to Kruse "So you wanted to assure that there wouldn't be a next time."

Kruse nodded "I must seem so cowardly to you…and maybe I am. But I'd rather kill myself like a coward than let them use me to harm you."

Elma shook her head "It's not you Kruse."

"How do you know? Despite all that I've told you? Just please Elma…"

"I'm not going to let you kill yourself Kruse."

Kruse walked past her "Fine. Then I'll leave instead. I'm not going to allow myself to remain in New LA knowing how much of a threat I am."

"Kruse. No."

"Why Elma? Why do you refuse to let me do this? I can see it in your face, you know my logic is sound! And you don't need me. You, Lin, everyone else. You all can handle this, I know you can get the Lifehold back. But only if I'm not there. I will not be responsible for anymore tragedies. I won't."

Elma approached Kruse who took a step back "You're right. Logically. All that you've said could be true. But I don't accept it."

"Why!?"

There was a silence as their eyes found each other. Elma speaking "Because I don't want to."

Kruse tried to say something when Elma held up one finger, he fell silent as she continued "Maybe you've turned on us, maybe you haven't, maybe you will…but should those days ever come. We'll get through it together, as we always have. Despite that I won't believe that you're a Ganglion spy."

"Elma…I don't deserve the faith that you have in me."

Elma put a hand on his shoulder "But you have it."

"…if I hurt you…or…"

"It won't happen."

Kruse couldn't help but smile "You're something special. You know that right?"

"I'm just a person…and I don't want to lose you. So please." She gestured to the gun.

Kruse sighed. He turned to look back over Primordia as the aurora faded. He then face Elma again, saw the concern in her face. Letting out a breath he nodded "Okay…Elma, thank you for being here."

"I've known something was off for a while and I knew if there was a time for me to help you, it was now."

Together the two began their walk back to the barracks. Kruse still hung his head, even though he accepted what she said, thanked her. There were still doubts, fears. But-

Turning his head he looked at her just as she turned to him. She then smiled.

But with Elma, those thoughts faded away.


End file.
